I have a few words to share with you.

As I explained to the customer service rep a few hours earlier, I have a rather peculiar problem with my laptop's fan. A few days ago, a sudden onslaught of ninja assassins descended upon my house! In an attempt to dodge the barrage of deadly ninja weapons, I flinched and, quite by accident, bashed my wireless mouse against the right edge of my keyboard. More precisely, I hit my CD/DVD drive.

Ever since, I have been menaced by this buzzing noise that seems to be coming from the upper left corner of my laptop. Upon inspection, I am pretty sure it is the fan. The buzzing noise is quite loud, but it sort of comes and goes as it pleases. At first, tapping the corner of my speakers with enough force silenced the noise, but as the days passed, the buzzing grew louder, lasted longer, and required more force to shut it up. It haunts me. It drives me to the brink of raging insanity.

When it is not buzzing, I can still hear a very low, pulsating whirrrrrring noise that I have never noticed before. It sends me into an atomic rage, tempting me to beat my laptop to make it stop. Instead, I yell at my boyfriend to shut up before I punch him in the dick. I sock my mom in the mouth (although I won't say she doesn't deserve it). I kick my cat. As a result, my boyfriend sulks and says I'm mean. My mom cries and calls me a terrible daughter. My cat looks at me in fear and runs away.

My oldest brother recommended I contact you guys to see if you wanted to take a look at it. Unfortunately, I am terrified of talking on the phone to strangers, so I decided to try your online chat service and talk with a customer service representative. That is where I met Matt Begman. Or Matt Seymore. I don't know why your automated greeting system introduced him as Matt Seymore, when he introduced himself as Matt Begman.

But that didn't matter. "Great," I thought, "an English name! Hahaha! I have beaten the system, no Azharuddin for me!"

....

I don't know where Matt Begman/Seymore is from, but I am quite positive the man you hired for this position lied about his age on his job application. He had the grammar of an uneducated 12 year-old. I had to go find Azharuddin to translate his sentences for me. Here's a good example:

Matt Seymore : Is your notebook get hot a short period while its runing?
Kelsey May : It gets pretty hot underneath, even though my core temperatures are in a normal range.

There was a very long lapse of silence. I think he went to his buddy's cubicle.

Matt: sup man, I've got this chick. she's talking about core temps and shit, I don't know what that is.
Buddy: ...
Matt: Her fan is making a noise, help me out here.
Buddy: lol I dunno.

Our conversation dragged on for about two and a half hours. It was painfully apparent that he was using a checklist as a diagnostic tool, he had no idea what core temperatures were, he couldn't find my city or zip code, he didn't solve my problem and had no real advice for me, but he asked a lot of personal questions like my phone number, e-mail address, home address, whether or not I was married, if I liked it in the ass, and what kind of car I drove.

How do I know he's not going to come to my house and kidnap me?

He was very polite, I will give him points for that, but it should not take 2.5 hours to be told "since you say that the notebook got smacked your notebook needs a service please go to the nearest service centre which will get your notebook serviced."

I would like a refund for the price of the fan that is currently in my laptop. I think we can agree that it is only fair for you to reimburse me for the faulty piece of equipment in my machine. It is a small price for you to pay, and it compensates for wasting 2.5 hours of my life. I can use the money to pay the repair shop overlords to fix my fan, so it's not as though I'm being greedy and just want your money.

On an different note:

I think you guys need people like me. I'd love to offer technical support via chat because I has excellent grammar and can type 98 words per minute. I can, at the very least, be interesting to talk to while I'm forcing someone's computer to restart itself multiple times just because I can until it only boots in safe mode. I cannot guarantee that I won't abuse my power and lead customers through endless loops of doing the same thing over and over again, or trying to make them find system files that don't exist, but at least they'll have a good time!

If you're interested in hiring me, you already have all my personal information.


In closing:

My fan is driving me insane and I hate you guys, but I think you should fire Matt Seymore/Begman and hire me instead.

Sincerely,

Kelsey May